I gotta fly once, I gotta try once

Only can die once, right, sir?

The nightmares have started again. The nightmares of being up on stage with lights shining, having just delivered one of the greatest performances of my life, poised to receive my award - when Vocal Adrenaline snatches victory away from me in an instant because of superior back up. We are tenuously close to Regionals now but I have seen few of you other than Jesse make the effort to cement strong performances for our next competition.

My voice can only take us so far - how can New Directions win when the majority of the club won't even bother to practice outside of our scheduled meetings? To fail now is to fail at everything I have been working for in my life. How can I expect to succeed in the theater world if I can't even scrape a victory in a high school Glee Club competition? I will not allow this to happen to me, and I will not allow myself to be brought down by a mediocre team. Prepare to work harder in your preparation, New Directions.

like a prayer
My fathers have been preparing me for the world of show business since the instant they discovered my budding talent when I was four months old. They always told me that it would be a long and difficult road, filled with people of lesser talent wishing to tear me down or ride on my coattails. I've always been okay with this, naturally, as the knowledge that eventually I will gain my rightful place on Broadway while my detractors suffer slowly in the depths of anonymity has been more than enough to keep me going strong.

It was easier when I was younger, as I was able to completely isolate myself from the rest of my peers while I honed my considerable talents. While other girls were playing with dolls or braiding each others' hair, I was practicing my scales and perfecting my pitch. Now that I'm older, however, and I'm trying to make my presence known, I'm finding that the solitude that was once so beneficial to me is now more of a hindrance than a help. I am well known within the Glee Club, obviously, but the rest of my classmates know nothing about me. Despite my best efforts since entering high school, so far I haven't been able to gain any recognition beyond that of the girl who is always running into the bathroom with slushie on her face.

It's not that I'm completely alone, of course; the success of my relationship with Jesse is direct evidence of that. Unfortunately, however, our relationship is nearly the alpha and the omega of my social life. Jesse is extremely talented at fulfilling certain needs though I still can't believe that that actually happened, but it can't be healthy for our relationship or for either of us as individuals that I really have nobody else to turn to.

I know that I can be insufferable, but I don't think that I am any more mean-spirited than my peers. I truly do just want what is best for the club, and though my frank honesty may be off-putting to some, I'm surprised that more people don't find it to be helpful, or at least a refreshing change from the armies of sycophants that line this school. Though I'm thankful for the lack of competition, sometimes I do wish that there was somebody else around (aside from Jesse, like I already stated) who had the same passion and drive for the craft as I do. I have always been prepared for the fact that it will be lonely at the top. I suppose I'm just a little bit more sick of being lonely than I thought I would be by the time I was sixteen.

i will fuck you up
I recognize that higher thought processes may be difficult for some of our Glee Club members, but I would have assumed that even some of our dimmest bulbs would have understood and respected some basic social etiquette. You may have blonder, flippier hair, you may be able to contort your body into unnatural positions that are frankly more repulsive than attractive, but you do not get to kiss other people's boyfriends just because you are incapable of restraining your teenage hormones for long enough to have a freaking DANCE PRACTICE without sticking your tongue down somebody's throat! SOME of us respect ourselves and our bodies for long enough to wait until the right time. That doesn't mean that you get to swoop in with your stupid cheerleader body and your stupid dance moves and try to seduce our boyfriends!


Jesse, I will slightly forgive you for now but I will not forget.

chin in hand
Have you ever had that thing, where everything's going completely as planned, and you're really happy, and it's totally fulfilling one of those fantasies that you've been having continuously since you were thirteen, and suddenly you panic and everything that seemed perfect before now seems awful, and you can't wait to get away and you don't even know why?

Yeah, neither have I.


I am aware that many of my fellow members of the Glee Club have been concerned with the escalating level of animosity among our ranks. I am also aware that Jesse St. James and I have been an integral part of contributing to that level of animosity, and for that I would like to apologize. As you are all aware, I am truly only interested in ensuring that we as a club completely destroy our competition, and my actions lately have not helped to facilitate that.

For this reason, I am sure that you will all be glad to hear that Jesse and I will no longer be battling it out at your expense. I am here to announce that Jesse St. James and Rachel Berry can officially be reinstated as Glee Club's resident power couple, because we have reconciled, and for good this time.

After a long and arduous disagreement, Jesse and I have set aside that which sought to divide us, and are fully prepared to resume our duties as the leaders of your club. So, rejoice!

To Jesse:

I read the note. Meet me in the library at 5 pm sharp.

Love Sincerely,

Rachel Berry ☆

i will fuck you up
You know, I do not generally have any great faith in the human race, but some people just destroy that faith even more than others. Some people have zero concept of what is appropriate for a public venue. Some people just don't have any manners anymore. Some people are incredibly immature despite the fact that they claim to be eighteen years old. Some people are sick and twisted and like to embarrass other people just to show how unbelievably attractive they are that they know how to be mean too. I don't like some people, or their stupid tea, or their stupid hair, or their stupid smarmy faces.

I haven't been getting nearly enough sleep lately, and I'm afraid that it's been adversely affecting my singing voice. My usually impeccable tonal quality is beginning to sound merely above average, and my voice cracked on a high note during rehearsal today. My usual recipe of herbal tea and vitamins is doing nothing, NOTHING. Why do people need to sleep? Four hours a night should be more than adequate.

[Hidden from Jesse]
My life is falling apart, legitimately and truthfully. I am aware that I have made similar claims in the past, but truly nothing can compare to my level of anguish right now. My voice hurts because I've been crying and the only people who will talk to me are the people I don't want to talk to. My dads keep trying to get me to share with him, but I just want to be left alone unless you're Jesse. And my cookies? They were bad. THEY WERE BAD.
[/Hidden from Jesse]

like a prayer
This is the journal of Rachel Berry. I am still undecided on my feelings regarding making my personal thoughts so public, but I will continue to update until further notice.

- Rachel Berry ☆


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